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Freedom and Pride

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"You have such an amazing glow about you, especially when you're energized" - Tom Irwin to me...

I am so freaking proud of myself!

I hit such an incredible break through in my acting class at Anthony Meindl. I'll start from Wednesday morning. I had an interview for an associate marking position at a fashion showroom and I nailed it. It lasted two hours and the head of the showroom and I chatted about everything in the fashion marketing industry from competitive analysis research to branding and boutique placement. It was an incredible insight on the fashion industry especially through the eyes of an established showroom.

After the meeting, I walked the streets of downtown LA oozing of confidence and artistic perspective. I was on a high from getting a glimps of the fashion scene that I started to question how I was going to manage both my acting career and this position. After chatting with my amazing sister I basically talked myself into my answer. Acting is my life, my fuel, my soul and as much as I love the art of fashion I had to prioritize appropriately.

I got to my acting class late, hitting that usual LA traffic, my head wasn't in the right place. My mind was somewhere else and I didn't feel as motivated because of the struggle I was putting myself into earlier. I chose what I thought was a simple scene to workshop. Right before my scene was up, the last two scene partner's recapped on how they felt their scene went and hearing what my classmate said about the journey she took in her scene was incredibly inspiring.

She went on to talk about this freedom that she let her self go on. She started it in the beginning of the month and decided to not back away from it. To find every opportunity she could to free herself from any preconcieved choice or judgement and see where each experience takes her.

My thoughts were like "Fuuuck! DUH! Why not live with that freedom!" That is actually something I've been trying to work on for a while now. I know I let myself go in many different ways but at the end of the day we all know ourselves best and know when we are performing and when we are being. I told myself right before I went up to start my scene that I needed to be ree and let go, even if I did feel my scene didn't have depth.

I hit a break through. I broke a wall down in class by pushing and pushing and trying and trying to find different ways to grasp the author's intent with the text. I was struggling when I hit a part in the scene talking about kissing and how painful it is when you know it is the best kiss of your life. The best kiss you've ever had, hurts and you can't help it. You can't control that pain because its incredible and you know nothing can ever be as good. It was a beautiful paragraph in the scene and I was trying all the wrong tactics to deliver it... until I didnt. And honestly, I felt so incredibly proud of myself and powerful that I got there. I started at zero got to 60, back down to 20 then found 100, all on my own.

It truly is an amazing feeling to find something, to find "IT", out of nothing. And I think thats how we all feel as we learn and grow and try to become experts in whatever field we're in. We strive to find the answer and that "IT" thing that everyone looks for. And I freaking found it! I grasped the concept and the idea behind the meaning of the text and I brought it to life.

I also don't think we give ourselves enough credit for things we earn. We don't pat ourselves on the back as much as we should because we are 1. modest and 2. don't want to look like assholes 3. our worst critique. Trust me, I know. But we have to remember that we are truly great people. Capable of finding the answer even if we think its so distant or farfetched. Its out there and our arms are long enough to reach it, grab it and keep it.

I felt like a freaking victor, honestly. And I say this knowing that my scene was not a work of art. It truly wasnt anything special.. until I got to that point of my break through. After I fully understood the author's subtext, I sunk in to the conversation, the relationship, and found honest and truth.

And isn't that what we all just want in our day to day lives?

No bullshit, no facade,

Just realness and genuinity.

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