Dear Prologue... Love, Epilogue

I will preface this with the following...

Take my words with a grain of salt. But also don't forget that we can allow ourselves to relate to the words of strangers without judgment. Judgment is one more layer of stress we put on ourselves to get through and fit in to society. Judgment is unnecessary.

Sometimes you just need to talk. and have someone listen. Anyone. Anyone who is actually there for the sole purpose of listening to you and what you have to say because they genuinely want to. It is something they crave and want to do, for you. Listen to your problems and your successes and actually be completely, whole heartedly happy and joyful for you to the extent (or more) that you are for yourself so you don't have to feel so alone and strong all of the time.

It feels good to have some one.

Sometimes we are the ones that do all or most of the listening and we just ask for someone to listen back. We offer ourselves to our loved ones but there is an understanding or reciprocation.

There is just so much one person can take until they can't give anymore. They give and give and give until they NEED to receive SOMETHING from someone in order to feel rejuvenated and wanted.

The feeling of being unwanted is very hard to face. I have recently faced this tough feeling of lack of appreciation and care. That is another realization I've come to.

The difference between loving and caring.

It is distinct and I have, unfortunately, experienced it these last few months. It hurts and is painful, of course, but coming to terms and truly examining what it feels like to know that someone you love so much does not care or understand to care for you the way you do for them - that is a different type of pain. Being the bigger person. It is exhausting and draining to constantly give, give, give - more than you ever have before - and not receive nearly as much as you have given, which in turn, transforms into a slow and gradual receiving of nothing. At all. It becomes one sided. One person constantly rehabilitating someone, while the other accepts it and gives nothing back.

I am not saying there is no love there - there is just no care. Its is no longer a team. Not two partners facing the world together. But a caregiver and a patient. Which one can not live off of.

Love is beautiful. Love is ultimate. Love is tragic. It can sometimes be mistaken for care but we must remind ourselves that they are different and we deserve both, equally.

Yes we have to be strong. We must. We are here, on this earth, put on this earth, alone. Yes, with a family, brothers and sisters perhaps but we are the only person in our heads. We control what is in there. We control what goes in and out and we allow what ever negative or positive thoughts to meld into something big or small. We have that power. We give that permission.

And I'm not saying its not hard. Its fucking tough as fuck sometimes to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are strong and capable and brilliant because you just want (sometimes need) someone else to say those things to you. Someone with deep, genuine, passionate love for you to tell you those things and truly believe it as much or more than you feel. Because it is heavy - carrying around all that strength and pride. It is necessary - especially in this life - but It has to come from somewhere.

It just takes strength. To be strong enough to overcome. It takes control, of yourself, no matter what the situation. Even mistakes.

We are all guilty of making mistakes. Maybe guilty is the wrong word. Because sometimes we don't know that they are going to be mistakes until they are made. So how can we be aware of the guilt before it happens?

Or sometimes we think we can't "control" it. or feel as if it is "uncontrollable". As if we have/had no control over what was about to happen and we had no choice but to fall down that rabbit hole...

But other times we know. We know what we are getting into and we still dive in head first.

We are testing ourselves, ultimately. Subconsciously. To see what we can take, how far we can go. To see if we can last that long and take that much until we explode or... we over come.

It is a sign of weakness to let the negative over take you. Your life, your happiness, your friendships, your relationships. That is a weak thing to let yourself do to your life because we are ALL capable of getting up. Standing up straight and moving forward.

And I'm not saying it is not hard. Not one bit. It's fucking tough when you feel you have nothing. You feel alone, empty, useless, effortless, careless, without matter. Those feelings come and it is fucking hard to battle them and win. But it sure as hell is fucking possible. People die. They do and that is inevitable. Moments pass and but we must try to move forward. That is the beauty about life.

It doesn't wait for us. Life has it's own path for us. We are the one's that chose which path to take but it is always an adventure, I can promise you that. It is beautiful, and heart-breaking. But why not be open to all that life feeds us. There is happiness all around us. We sometimes are too afraid to let it all in. Because we feel as if we don't deserve it or some shit like that. Well I say FUCK THAT. FUCK IT. We deserve happiness and joy no matter how shitty we feel, or what we've done to make us feel that way, or what someone has done to us to make us feel that way. We could sit around and compare our lives to everyone's we know. Our friends, family, even random people on fb we sometimes stalk. Which is fine, and fun but in no way does that give us the right to feel shitty about ourselves. We are fucking ROCKSTARS. And everyone is fucking different. Everyone has their issues and wishes they were YOU. We get up, work - and I use that term loosely, and live, enjoy. Even if you don't have a job. The little things we make effort towards is working, in one direction or another, and it's beneficial to us. We just have to open our eyes wide enough to see. And let ourselves appreciate the work we do and what we have and who we have in our lives.

The ability we have to move forward. The power that we hold, that is what makes us superstars. We are able to do look at life for everything it has to over, and jump on it. Let's just let ourselves do it.

I'm not going to apologize for the rant. I have gone through something major in my life and I have learned from it. Learned about myself, about people, about life and love. If you're reading this, you wanted to learn as well. I leave you with these last words.

Give yourself the permission to be free from your own head...